"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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