I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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