I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
