the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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