How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
