we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
