My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
