half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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