Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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