Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
