Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
