She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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