I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
