I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
