i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
