Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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