I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
they're like a gay fantastic four
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
