Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
