she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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