Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
