mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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