Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize