Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
