dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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