i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
