She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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