the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
