Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
