Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
