Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
