I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
