You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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