just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
