Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
