..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
