He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
