I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
