DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
