Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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