he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
