fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
