So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
