the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
