Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
