someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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