Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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