No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
