Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My feet surprised me
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