sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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