i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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