I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
