i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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