I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
