pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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