dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
