U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize