thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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