So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
