Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
