Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
