I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
